First of all, thank you to everyone who commented on the last post. Either online or in person. Both sides of the fence were equally represented and all of you gave me a ton to think about. From the faithful, the overall message I got was that God is still there, whether I believe in him or not. Not only is he there, as one reader suggested, but he is happy with me for exploring my faith so deeply, and scrutinizing the things I believe in. It makes it more real if I do come back to faith.
So to the faithful, I extend my humblest thanks for your encouraging message. Thank you for not chastising me and making me feel stupid for unloading my soul on the internet. Also I'd like to say that you very well may be absolutely right. I might just be in a "dark night of the soul" - as one theologian called it - and God is just waiting with open arms on the other side of my disbelief. That image is wholly comforting, but currently out of reach for me.
To those of you who expressed that you were feeling the same way as I was, thank you. I got comments from former fellow Hardcore-Christians, as well as people who never believed in any of this, but kinda landed in the same place I did after reading the Bible. Opposite starting points, same destination. Kinda funny how that works out.
Again, thanks to all of you who took the time to write something back. Some of you wrote a ton and just that you would take the time out to help me with this is the mark of a true Christian.
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It was really interesting talking to people in this last week who shared their stories of how they lost their faith. From the scandals in the Catholic church, to unanswered questions about the Bible, to the way Christianity appears to be in bed with politics, to simply seeing bad people sitting next to them in church, everyone seemed to have a specific reason that they could pinpoint for making God disappear from their lives - and yet I couldn't express a reason why I was experiencing the same disbelief they had.
I went to an amazing church filled with humble, selfless Christians. I never felt like God had let me down or promised me something that didn't happen. I knew about the Catholic sex scandals and I saw the way politicians used their faith in the wrong ways, and that stuff angered me more than anything because it portrayed us Christians in a bad light, but that anger only strengthened my faith. I made it a point to show non-believers that I was a Christian and that I wasn't anti-gay, that I didn't let my faith determine who I voted for, and that we weren't all assholes. I felt like the ambassador for a God who's followers are becoming more and more disliked as the years go on. (I still plan on being that ambassador to let other know that there are good Christians out there.)
So if my faith was so strong in spite of the circumstances, what happened? I don't know. I can't really say anything specifically. It was a culmination of a lot of little things, I guess. Things that didn't add up in the Bible. Rationalizing the miracles and supernatural stories with logical answers. So it wasn't like a huge blow out breakup. I'm not mad at God or Christians or anything. I simply don't believe the magical stuff anymore. But then why does it still feel like a breakup?
Every day now on my car ride home from work, I get sad. Solo car rides used to be my time with God. I would confess my sins, pray for things, and think about big theological questions. Now its just me, and it is the exact same sadness someone would get from breaking up with a girlfriend only 10x worse.
But then I get home and see my wife and my dog. I see my friends at work and at my gym and on weekends. I see my family and nieces and nephews and realize I can still serve this people the same way I did when I was Christian. Maybe even more so now.
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Again, I'm not sure where I'm going with this evolved version of the Bible Adventure. What I don't want it to be is any sort of recruitment for my disbelief. In fact, I hope that through my disbelief, you of faith will be strengthened, just as I was when defending my faith to my friends. I think what I'd like it to be is a continual discussion. Please keep commenting and talking with me in person - I love discussing this stuff. I would love to reach a firm conclusion on one side or the other.
I'll leave you with a song that sums up everything I'm feeling right now.
But, Jesus I've fallen
I don't mind the rain if
I meet my maker
I'll meet my maker clean
But, Jesus the truth is
I've struggled so hard to believe
I'll meet my maker
I'll need my maker
To cure of my doubting blood
And drain me of the sins I love
And take from me my disbelief
I know it should come easily
But it remains inside of me
It battles and devours me
It cuddles up the side of me
And whispers it convinces me I'm
Right
I need to catch up with you. I defnately went through something similar - for 5 years or so... I'm back believing agin though. :)
ReplyDeleteThere's just one other point that I stole from Matt Agresti that might be worth thinking about. There is a rich huge collection people for centuries from all the different Christian traditions who have wrestled with these questions of the Bible -- many people refer to it as the "tradition." Being a Christian means being a part of not just a local community but of the wider Church community, of people who decided to faithfully follow Christ throughout these 2,000 years or so.
ReplyDeleteIn other words, you are not alone in having these questions. It feels silly and cliche for a seminarian to say "pick up a book!" and of course there's the question of "where do I start? who do I turn to?" (If you do, I would start by asking really smart people you trust where to turn to, ie Andy Newberry or Christian or Michelle Andrews or Jared). but maybe there's merit in learning what other people throughout the Christian tradition and in the Christian tradition today say about Biblical genocide, dealing with the miracles, of historical criticism, etc.
Of course, faith is also something lived out, not just found in a book. But faith has also been something that has used the mind as a tool. A seminary student told me that one of the things that most helps his faith through seminary is that he is surrounded by clearly smart, academic professors who have had to directly deal with all the inconsistencies and problems with the Bible, and yet they still are believing, faithful Christians. That makes a lot of sense.
so, i have decided to try to see things from the angle of someone struggling with God's existence, and this is what i have been able to see:
ReplyDelete1. most of the things in the Bible seem rather impossible:
BUT
it is also impossible that our solar system and universe would be so amazing and perfectly aligned. and yet, nobody knows why that is, because it is.
why are the laws of nature so amazing?
what about our brains, so perfectly amazing in the way they work?
in all honesty, many things are miracles, but miracles of a different sort.
you may want to start looking at things that are not directly related to GOD and questioning them. there are many things that will amaze you. simple things, complicated things. just things.
how can these things be? there must be SOMETHING other than us.
that may be a place to start. in my humble opinion. build from the ground up.
xoxo kelly (miller)
Very interesting posts! Beliefs are interesting in that they have a "truth constraint" associated with them. It not possible to believe something you don't think is actually true. I think the discussion around "losing/gaining belief" can be confusing. Try to extend the concept of belief into more familiar everyday life. You believe you have a car. If I tell you otherwise, it doesn't matter b/c you know it's not true (you can see it out the window, check your car insurance bills online, etc) Religious use of the terms truth and belief do not help this discussion either. Our beliefs are just our own mental representation of reality (truth). That reality needs to be tangible or it will be discarded in the form of our corresponding beliefs.
ReplyDeleteAnother thing people seem to have trouble with is the idea that you can be moral without accepting some form of religion in your life. It can be difficult to separate the two things and I think that explains part of the conflict when someone has trouble believing (the other part of the conflict is a common psychological human need). It doesn't mean you are losing morality at all. The "divine command" model of morality (something is moral simply because God says so) falls on its face under the simplest of questioning. Something should be right or moral because it is a good thing to do in itself (lessening suffering, helping others in need) There need not be any other reason to be moral.
Personally as a moral guide, religious stories seem watered down and filled with ancient biases when you compare them with the different modern moral philosophies. I highly recommend this free online class on justice and morality from iTunes University
http://itunes.apple.com/us/itunes-u/justice-with-michael-sandel/id379064095