Life After Faith (Follow Up)

So I didn't intend on keeping this going, but I've had so many thoughts about this over the past week I wanted to get them down "on paper" so to speak.

First of all, thank you to everyone who commented on the last post. Either online or in person. Both sides of the fence were equally represented and all of you gave me a ton to think about. From the faithful, the overall message I got was that God is still there, whether I believe in him or not. Not only is he there, as one reader suggested, but he is happy with me for exploring my faith so deeply, and scrutinizing the things I believe in. It makes it more real if I do come back to faith.

So to the faithful, I extend my humblest thanks for your encouraging message. Thank you for not chastising me and making me feel stupid for unloading my soul on the internet. Also I'd like to say that you very well may be absolutely right. I might just be in a "dark night of the soul" - as one theologian called it - and God is just waiting with open arms on the other side of my disbelief. That image is wholly comforting, but currently out of reach for me.

To those of you who expressed that you were feeling the same way as I was, thank you. I got comments from former fellow Hardcore-Christians, as well as people who never believed in any of this, but kinda landed in the same place I did after reading the Bible. Opposite starting points, same destination. Kinda funny how that works out.

Again, thanks to all of you who took the time to write something back. Some of you wrote a ton and just that you would take the time out to help me with this is the mark of a true Christian.

_______________________

It was really interesting talking to people in this last week who shared their stories of how they lost their faith. From the scandals in the Catholic church, to unanswered questions about the Bible, to the way Christianity appears to be in bed with politics, to simply seeing bad people sitting next to them in church, everyone seemed to have a specific reason that they could pinpoint for making God disappear from their lives - and yet I couldn't express a reason why I was experiencing the same disbelief they had. 

I went to an amazing church filled with humble, selfless Christians. I never felt like God had let me down or promised me something that didn't happen. I knew about the Catholic sex scandals and I saw the way politicians used their faith in the wrong ways, and that stuff angered me more than anything because it portrayed us Christians in a bad light, but that anger only strengthened my faith. I made it a point to show non-believers that I was a Christian and that I wasn't anti-gay, that I didn't let my faith determine who I voted for, and that we weren't all assholes. I felt like the ambassador for a God who's followers are becoming more and more disliked as the years go on. (I still plan on being that ambassador to let other know that there are good Christians out there.)

So if my faith was so strong in spite of the circumstances, what happened? I don't know. I can't really say anything specifically. It was a culmination of a lot of little things, I guess. Things that didn't add up in the Bible. Rationalizing the miracles and supernatural stories with logical answers. So it wasn't like a huge blow out breakup. I'm not mad at God or Christians or anything. I simply don't believe the magical stuff anymore. But then why does it still feel like a breakup?

Every day now on my car ride home from work, I get sad. Solo car rides used to be my time with God. I would confess my sins, pray for things, and think about big theological questions. Now its just me, and it is the exact same sadness someone would get from breaking up with a girlfriend only 10x worse.

But then I get home and see my wife and my dog. I see my friends at work and at my gym and on weekends. I see my family and nieces and nephews and realize I can still serve this people the same way I did when I was Christian. Maybe even more so now. 

_______________________

Again, I'm not sure where I'm going with this evolved version of the Bible Adventure. What I don't want it to be is any sort of recruitment for my disbelief. In fact, I hope that through my disbelief, you of faith will be strengthened, just as I was when defending my faith to my friends. I think what I'd like it to be is a continual discussion. Please keep commenting and talking with me in person - I love discussing this stuff. I would love to reach a firm conclusion on one side or the other. 

I'll leave you with a song that sums up everything I'm feeling right now.

But, Jesus I've fallen
I don't mind the rain if
I meet my maker
I'll meet my maker clean

But, Jesus the truth is
I've struggled so hard to believe
I'll meet my maker
I'll need my maker

To cure of my doubting blood
And drain me of the sins I love
And take from me my disbelief
I know it should come easily
But it remains inside of me
It battles and devours me
It cuddles up the side of me
And whispers it convinces me I'm

Right 

Life After Faith...

It has been a while.

I've been delaying this wrap-up post now for nearly nine months. Mostly because I'm afraid of what will come out as I write. But here we go...

If you followed this blog in 2010, you might have seen a steady deterioration of my faith as I progressed through the story of the Bible, and it all kinda culminated in the post from December 18 where my faith slipped through my fingers right in front of me. Throughout the last year, questions were raised and left unanswered. I approached the mysteries of faith with a rational brain and usually arrived at the conclusion that these supernatural elements of the Bible were either misunderstood, exaggerated, or simply made up entirely by the writers.

As I sat and sat with these issues over the last nine months, my faith has been slowly receding, even more so than while entrenched in the things that made me so angry about the history of our deity. But my dirty little secret of a dwindling faith came flying out on a road trip in April of this year. 

Jilly and I took a mini vacation up to Boston to see a show. On the 4+ hour car ride home, she brought up the topic of faith. She had seen me struggling through the Bible first hand for the majority of the prior year, so she was simply checking up on how I was doing with it. My reply was something like "not good" and I went into an explanation of everything that was nagging me and chipping away at the rock-solid faith I once had. As I was pouring out my soul, I had only one hope - that she would respond with "Babe, don't be ridiculous." and reconfirm my faith once and for all. I hoped beyond hope that she had one sentence that would melt my disbelief away. Imagine my surprise when she said:

"I've kinda been feeling the same way."

Initially my heart sank right through the floormats. "This marriage is doomed" I thought. Ever since I started dating seriously, my highest prerequisite for a mate was that she was a strong Christian. I didn't think a relationship could survive without a mutual love for Christ. As we talked, I found out that she had been feeling that way for a while, partially because she witnessed how hard it was on me to read the Bible, and my fears about a doomed marriage were slowly assuaged. It's kinda cool how we separately came to very similar conclusions about faith. These are more or less our shared list of beliefs as they stand now:

• The Bible is an incredible book, and the majority of the contents are worthwhile for anyone to read and follow. In a way, it's an instruction book on how to be a better person, and create a better world around you. However, time spent pouring over every detail is better spent going out and living its message of charity, forgiveness and kindness.
  
  
• God is still a mystery. It's unclear if he exists, and if he does what - if any - influence he has on this world.
  
  
• Jesus walked this earth and lived an exemplary life, maybe a perfect life. A life that should be studied and emulated by everyone on earth. He was kind, selfless, charitable, merciful, but also immeasurably strong in spirit, and unshakably faithful. I believe he was murdered on a cross for his belief that he was saving all of humanity. I will try every day to live a Christ-like existence. However, I currently don't believe he was resurrected from the dead.
  
  
• The Church is still a very valid place. Although I haven't been since Christmas (I swore I'd never become a Christmas/Easter churchgoer, but here I am...) I've had a strong urge to return recently. The aspect of community and sharing and rallying around a common belief that we should be good to each other is something that every human needs.
   
• Christians aren't wrong in their beliefs. God has escaped me, or maybe I escaped God, either way he is currently not a part of my life. That doesn't mean that I think those who believe in him are wrong. If God is real to you, then he is real. To me he's just not right now. But for all I know I'm wrong, and if I am, I'm boned if I die right now.

We essentially laid out the creed of our beliefs right there in the front seat of our 2008 Honda Fit. We even came up with a name for our new found religion: Agnostic Christianity. Essentially living as a Christian would, except being unsure about the supernatural elements. And once we had shared everything we believe, there was a moment of silence. I let the immense weight of my confession fill the compact four-door for what felt like an eternity. Then I let out an immense a sigh of relief, heaved from the bottom of my heart. For the first time in my seven year relationship with my wife, we were equally yolked. We believed the exact same thing with the same level of enthusiasm. The love I felt for her in that moment was possibly the strongest its ever been. And ever since then, we have had a much closer marriage. See? Jesus was right. Equally yolked. Our history as a Christian couple was all over the map. We had both slid up and down the "on fire for God" scale throughout those seven years, first she was dragging me to church, then I, her, then neither of us were dragging anything anywhere.

Whether I knew it or not, my Bible in a Year project was kinda my last ditch effort to reignite my faith. To create a faith in me that would carry over to our marriage and get us both back to dragging each other to church. But it failed. In fact, it backfired. It threw a blanket over the smoldering coals of my belief in all things Christ. And I was afraid to admit any of this, even to myself, until that car ride back in April.

The interesting thing is that my rock-solid faith I had since I was 12 was based on a book I had never read. It was easy to believe when I went to church every week, and retreats twice a year and heard all the amazing things about God, and the incredible sacrifice Jesus made for me. I was surrounded by Christians for my entire faith. I worked in a Christian bookstore, I volunteered at an amazing youth group, I was in a touring Christian band, I had a Christian radio show - literally every aspect of my life was influenced by my belief in God. But when I dug through the Bible, and uncovered all of it's nastiness, and unanswerable questions, and frustrating paradoxes and mind-numbing God-sanctioned genocides, it all fell apart for me.

I'm still bummed about this though. Nine months later, I still get sad that I removed this piece of my life. This piece of me that defined everything about me and influenced every decision I made was ripped from me by the very thing that should have reinforced it - the Good Book. I had a best friend in God for sixteen years. Now it's like I sent him to the moon and he'll never be back, and that is immeasurably saddening.

At the same time though, it's liberating. Not in a "YEE HAW! I'ma go nuts and sin all over the place cuz God can't punish me no more!" kinda way. In fact, I believe that the Bible's definition of what is sinful is still valid. Doings things that are designated as sins are usually bad for you - physically or mentally or both. And confessing those sins to someone - even to yourself - is a good practice. The liberation I'm feeling revolves around my first new bullet point of what I believe - that the Bible should be read, but then lived out. In other words, I don't feel guilty for not reading my Bible every day, or forgetting to pray like I used to for the past sixteen years. Instead I feel energized to go out and do things to help people. And extend kindness beyond measure to everyone in my life.

The last and most important thing: If you are a person of faith, please don't let my failure as a Christian dissuade you from your own beliefs. The last thing I want is the responsibility for ripping God from someone else's life. It's not something I wish on my worst enemy. However, I would encourage all of you to try and read the whole Bible. You base your life around it's teachings, just as I did. It's important to know where those beliefs stem from. So read it, and draw your own conclusions, and let me know what you come up with. Hopefully it's better than where I landed.

I've also not finalized this new creed of mine. I would love for this to be an open discussion. Please comment, tell me I'm wrong. Convince me otherwise. Thanks friends.

Love,
Brandon